


Gentlemen of the Shade

by AngryKoala



Category: Henry IV Part 1 - Shakespeare, Henry IV Part 2 - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Bad Puns, Gen, Gift Exchange, Innuendo, Poins is obsessed with Hal, Screenplay/Script Format, alternate universe- sitcom, mentions of illegal shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:05:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3823066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngryKoala/pseuds/AngryKoala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern sitcom AU. Hal meets up with his old room mates Falstaff and Poins at a diner after moving on to bigger and better things. Falstaff makes it his mission to get them kicked out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gentlemen of the Shade

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emptyque](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptyque/gifts).



> This fic was written for the Bard's Birthday exchange for Shakespearegif.  
> My prompt was "History plays- Sitcom AU".
> 
> I went a little crazy with this, but I hope it's amusing!

 

Fade in:

A Small diner. Lunchtime.  2 men are seated on opposite sides of a booth.

JOHN FALSTAFFTAFF– a large man of around 35 years, who is dressed in a flashy, tacky suit with a brightly colored vest. His personality is as loud as his clothing.

FALSTAFF

(checking his pocket watch)Well he’s late.

Ned POINS-a man in his mid-twenties. A housemate of Falstaff, he is smaller and dressed in more casual attire. He is anxious with anticipation.

POINS

So he is.

FALSTAFF

Have you seen him at all since he left?

POINS

Only once since he moved out, and that was just a chance encounter at the Starbucks near his new job.  He doesn’t have much time these days. Busy. You know.

FALSTAFF

A “chance encounter” … of course.

POINS

Don't you have some wedding to crash or something?

The two men sit in awkward silence, occasionally looking towards the door. Until FALSTAFF recognizes a man at the door.

FALSTAFF-

Hal! It’s about damned time! Did daddy not teach you the importance of punctuality at your fancy new job?

HAL, a man in his mid-twenties. A former housemate of FALSTAFF and POINS. Dressed in expensive looking business attire.

HAL-

(sits down next to POINS)

Since when has punctuality meant anything to you?  I thought you generally measured minutes and hours in relation to closing time? You certainly had no interest in punctuality when the rent was due.

 

FALSTAFF-

 You must be thinking of someone else. I’ve always been the upstanding citizen of our housemates. Which calls to question why you chose this café anyway? The Hal I know doesn't sit around at cafes eating avocado wraps. We should go find some trouble. Prove to us that you are still our Hal.

 

POINS

(bro hugs HAL in an overly enthusiastic manner) Well you look I like our HAL to me! Except your suit. But it’s a great suit. Nice. Classy. Not like this clown (nods to indicate FALSTAFF). You look great. I mean…How’s the job treating you? How's your new place? Isn't it a bit quiet, all by yourself?

 

HAL-

Ha. I haven't had much time to notice the quiet. I’m dog tired, to tell you the truth. My father hasn’t given me any preferential treatment since he took me on. I’ve been going non-stop. You would not believe the things they have employees do in the name of “team building”

Enter WAITRESS seen only by FALSTAFF who is facing the direction of the kitchen.

FALSTAFF-

(Looks at waitress then out into the audience and winks, breaking the 4th wall. He whispers to the audience.)I’ll manage to get us out of here!

(to Hal)Really?  You? Need a little nappy nap after “team building?” It seems like you are a different man since you went and got into bed with your father!

POINS-

WELL. I for one would love to get into bed with both you and your father.

WAITRESS

 (Looking embarrassed she clears her throat to catch their attention) Are you gentleman ready to order drinks?

FALSTAFF

Well now someone is speaking my language! Yes my dear! I'll have whatever's cheap and on tap!

HAL

 I’ll just have water

 

 POINS

Water for me as well.

EXIT WAITRESS

FALSTAFF keeps a close eye on the WAITRESS as she leaves, noting where she came from. He continues watching for her

HAL-

Oh, is the waitress your type dude? Not a bit young?

FALSTAFF

Oh Hal, you must be mistaken about me. I am eternally youthful. No working adult could ever be too young for someone as young as me.

HAL

Of course.  I have known babies with more wisdom and maturity. What was I thinking? I’m sure she’d think you’re a catch!

POINS

(Visibly uncomfortable with the conversation) So…. have you started moving into that huge new building on 75th street? The construction took forever. It’s visible from the apartment you know.

Re-enter WAITRESS with drinks

FALSTAFF

 Are we really here to talk about POINS obsessing at his window trying to get a glance at your father’s giant erection?

WAITRESS

 (opens eyes very widely). Well. Here you are. (sets down drinks) will you be having any salads or starters today?

HAL

I think we’d like to start with a cheese plate.

Waitress

Alright I’ll have that right out for you.

HAL

So as I was saying before, the (mocking tone) team building that the company has us do are pretty non-traditional. Several of my co-workers and I have formed an a capella group called “Major Treble”. We’ve practiced every Sunday for the past few weeks. I’ve been training my ear. It’s actually sort of interesting. “fun” might be a stretch but it’s not awful.

.FALSTAFF

This is how you spend your weekends now?

POINS

 Come on man. I mean, he has to. He wouldn’t want to make a bad impression. And perhaps it’s good to branch out and learn new skills.

FALSTAFF

I’m always challenging myself with new skills.

 

POINS

 I don’t think drinking 8 bottles of beer without peeing counts as a skill.

WAITRESS re-enters seen by FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF-

Alright. Maybe Hal would like to demonstrate his new aural skills for us. I for one, am dying to experience this new hobby of yours!

 

HAL-

Maybe some other day, bro.  Besides we always start out by banging on the piano a bit anyway.

WAITRESS looks increasingly horrified. She takes a moment to breathe in and out and compose herself before approaching the table, and placing as plate of appetizers on the table.

WAITRESS

Do any of you gentlemen need refills?

FALSTAFF

I could use one. And this guy over here (he nods his head to indicate POINS) is eternally thirsty. Would you mind bringing out a pitcher?

WAITRESS

Sure I’ll be right back with that.

WAITRESS turns to leave. Once she is out of view, she winces, then exists. FALSTAFF continues staring off in her direction.

FALSTAFF

(looks down at phone)Hey I got a call I've got to take.

HAL

Ooo I'm sure it's a very important imaginary call. You absolutely aren't getting up to bother that waitrss... Never...

Exit FALSTAFF

 

POINS

It's not the same at the house without you bro. It's getting old being alone with this asshole all the time. Maybe we could have some fun with him? Give him a number, tell him the waitress liked him but was too shy… wanted him to text her... I haven't worked out the details yet. It probably ends with him naked in front of a police station.

 

HAL

That sounds like it would have been a good time... A month ago. I've got to move on now dude.

 

POINS gives a disappointed nod

 

Re-enter FALSTAFF.

 

 

FALSTAFF

So I've heard the new building is huge! Does it really have a ballroom?

 

HAL

It does. Mostly for entertainment at conventions we hold over there.

 

WAITRESS re-enters seen by FALSTAFF

 

FALSTAFF

(In an a mocking tone)Will you be attending any balls this season your highness?

 

WAITRESS approaches table

 

HAL

There will be no balls for me thanks! I went to Mardi Gras last year and there were enough balls for a lifetime. Those New Orleanians love their balls. Besides I don't think my father has any interest in balls. Maybe if someone paid him enough...

 

WAITRESS

(exasperated) Ok that's enough you have to leave. You people are disgusting. Sick. Get out!

 

They all look shocked and confused.

 

FALSTAFF

(exaggeratedly offended) What could we have possibly done to warrant this? This is insanity!

 

WAITRESS

OUT! (She points to the door)

 

They EXIT the diner.

 

OUTSIDE THE DINER. SIDEWALK.

 

POINS

What the hell was that about?

HAL

No idea...

 

FALSTAFF

Yeah. That sure was strange. What was her problem anyway? Oh well... Guess it’s a sign sent from above that we shouldn’t hang out in diners. Let's go find some hookers and blow!

 

HAL rolls his eyes and gives a resigned nod of agreement as they walk away together

 

FADE OUT


End file.
